Cheating the reaper in the adrenaline capital of the world – Queenstown, New Zealand

Queenstown, New Zealand calls itself the “adrenaline capital of the world,” and that may be so. After all, when you sit in a whitewater raft with a group of people who may just get you killed, it gets the heart beating.

We decided to make for Queenstown and get out and about. We had spent a lot of time on our keisters rolling past all the nice scenery, but we had spent very little time actually standing in that scenery. True, we did hike a glacier, but that was just the price we had to pay to ride in a helicopter. And so for our first stop in Queenstown we decided to go for a luge ride! Well, it wasn’t an actual luge, which is a sled that flies down the mountain on a sheet of ice at seventy or eighty miles an hour. This was a little plastic gizmo on rubber wheels that slithers down a small section of paved (and bumpered) mountain track, but it was a start. Okay, and little kids and senior citizens are also allowed to ride, so maybe we weren’t exactly pushing the adrenaline envelope, so to speak.

12 - the fearsome luge

Do you feel the fear?

To get to the “luge,” we took a lovely mountain gondola that deposited us high up above Queenstown (a condition that would soon factor into our story), where we watched actual crazy people bungy jump from high platforms and paraglide down to the valley below.

Um, no.

Um, no.

We were sparing our hearts for later in the day, when we would raft down the Shotover River, which boasts Grade 3-5 rapids. We had almost an hour before we needed to be at the rafting shop, so it made lots of sense to walk past the nice comfortable gondola ride down and opt instead for the hiking trail to the bottom of the mountain, right? I’ve made a lot of dumbass suggestions over the years, and this one qualifies. Somehow it hadn’t occurred to me that the reason people paraglide from the tops of mountains is because they are high and steep.

If you look waaaay up to the top of the mountain, you can see where we started our descent. Oops.

If you look waaaay up to the top of the mountain, you can see where we started our descent. Oops.

After about ten or fifteen minutes of hiking, slipping, and sliding down the mountain, it occurred to me that we weren’t making a whole lot of progress, and our knees and quads were starting to complain. Every so often someone would pass us as they were making their way up the mountain and we’d inquire as to how much further we had to go and they would make a noise and maybe roll their eyes. We had no choice but to pick up the pace. At one point my feet went completely out from under me and I landed flat on my back. Janine took a slightly gentler tumble as well. The clock was ticking and we were in danger of missing our rafting trip because Knucklehead Jones thought it would be a good idea to go for a walk. After almost an hour and more than fifteen hundred vertical feet down a slippery, rocky cliffside later, we stumbled into the kayak place, lucky to have made it in time and not have lost our lives in the process. Adrenaline indeed.

The bus ride to the place where we launched the rafts was exciting enough. The last several kilometers to the river occurs over a one lane cliffside dirt road, which would have been fine if we hadn’t encountered a family of tourists coming in the other direction in an SUV. Neither of us could back up far enough to find a safe place to pass, so we tried to make the best of it. The SUV mushed into the hill on one side and we hugged the cliff on the other, but the physics were against us. The SUV started scraping against the bus, busting a taillight in the process. The bus was on the verge of inscribing its name in the SUV’s side when our driver had us all jump out of the bus and push ourselves against it, giving the SUV just enough room to slither away.

Oh, but the story gets better, my friends, as I hinted to earlier. Finally, after being outfitted in wetsuits, booties, jackets, helmets, and life jackets, the float leader broke the big group up into eight-person rafts. Imagine Janine’s and my delight when we were paired with five other people who spoke almost no English. I knew this because our river guide, Nick, turned to one of the guys and asked, “What’s your name?” and the guy looked at Nick and shrugged. The thing about white water rafting is that coordination and communication are essential. You know how they don’t let people sit in the exit row if they can’t understand the directions of the cabin crew? Well, a white water raft is one big floating rubber exit row.

Before the float, with hope in our hearts. In the background is one of the many very laid back raft guides.

Before the float, with hope in our hearts. In the background is one of the many very laid back raft guides.

Nick would sit at the back of the raft and issue a complicated instruction like “paddle forward!” and our five raftmates would stare at each other. One might dip a paddle into the water making a half-hearted attempt to comply, but they really just had no idea what to do. Now was the time for Janine and me to put our kayaking debacle behind us and step up to the plate. Nick had placed us in the front of the raft in the fruitless hope that maybe the rest of the group might get the hint and copy us. More important, though, Janine and I needed to be in sync so we could at least attempt to navigate some of the rapids. It was asking a lot. Like Rocky or the Bad News Bears or the Jamaican bobsled team (okay, not them), I’m happy to report that when the chips were down, we stepped up. The Harvard crew team would have been proud. The trip was not without its moments, though – in one tricky segment of the river, called the Toilet Bowl, our five friends all stopped paddling, the raft tipped all the way onto one side, and Janine went right into the water. One of the other raft leaders mentioned that the raft was about to capsize, but was righted when Janine went over the edge. Thus, she took one for the team, for which we should all be grateful. I will tip my helmet to one of my raftmates, who yanked Janine out of the water almost as fast as she went in, preventing her from drowning in a toilet bowl.

We debriefed on the whole experience at a local burger joint with a really fun couple from San Francisco that we met on the bus to the river. As it turns out they live about five blocks away from us in the Mission. It makes me feel ancient to say this, but Dave and Kaitlin remind me of us when we were…cough…cough…young. We’re young at heart, though. Like a couple in a Cialis commercial, in one day we screamed down the mountain on a luge (okay, maybe not), power-hiked a rutty trail, shot the rapids almost single-handedly, and lived to tell the tale.

Welcome to Yes Day, when we just said no to no.

Yesterday was Yes Day. Like super powers, Yes Day could be very dangerous in the wrong hands, but it can work quite well when used with care and discretion. What is this Yes Day, you ask? Simply put, on Yes Day all suggestions are accepted.

We didn’t plan it this way, but that’s how it turned out. It went like this, we’d pass a cool waterfall and one of us would say “Should we stop at this cool waterfall?” and the other would say yes, so we’d stop.

Thunder Creek Falls on the Haast Pass. This is what Yes Day gets you.

Thunder Creek Falls on the Haast Pass. This is what Yes Day gets you.

Then there was this short hike to what they call “blue ponds” but what it doesn’t say in the guidebook is that these ponds are the color of a chemical toilet. Somehow when glacial ice melts, it still appears blue (Glacial ice looks blue because it’s very dense, which makes it look blue. Glacial ice melt isn’t dense anymore, so why it looks blue is beyond me, but maybe it’s just me that’s dense). Then we stopped for eggs on the side of the road. I’d been wanting roadside eggs for days, and Janine said yes!

Glacial melt pools bluer than Sinatra's eyes or the Tidy Bowl Man's waterway.

Glacial melt pools bluer than Sinatra’s eyes or the Tidy Bowl Man’s waterway.

Then we passed an RV park set beside a lovely little lake. It wasn’t on our itinerary, but it was Yes Day. The place reminded Janine of her childhood experiences at summer camp, so we pulled over at the ungodly early hour of 2 pm and rested our not at all weary bones. Yay, Yes Day! Today we will surely revert to Maybe Day, or Let’s Keep Driving Day, but we’ll need to toss in a Yes Day every so often just to keep things interesting.

New Zealand is comprised of two islands, conveniently named the North Island and the South Island. We arrived in Auckland on the North Island and worked our way down to Wellington at the southern tip, where we drove our rolling home onto a ferry and made the three hour sailing to the South Island.

Who doesn't think this would make a great disaster movie?

Who doesn’t think this would make a great disaster movie?

Our first stop on the South Island was the Marlborough region, where all that famous wine comes from. We really wanted to do some wine tasting, but I had bad visions of driving this massive contraption around on the wrong side of the road after hitting our fourth winery. Instead, we found a very nice wine tour and left the driving to someone cleaner and soberer. Over the years I’ve had a lot of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, the grape that the area is best known for, and I confess that they can start to taste the same after a while – very acidic with a famous grapefruit quality (although many would say they smell like cat pee). The fun thing about wine tasting is that it gives you the chance to focus on the subtle differences in the wines, and you also get to see where the stuff is made. We once visited a winery on the side of a cliff on the Amalfi Coast and every time I have a Marisa Cuomo wine I’m back on that cliff. I know I’ll feel the same about Marlborough.

Wine making regions tend to be pretty nice, and Marlborough is up there. It’s set in a lovely valley next to fairly steep mountains. There are cliché rolling hills, gently sloping vineyards, and picturesque back roads. The wineries we visited all knew what they were doing, too – the wines were exceptionally well made. They were crisp, bright, and absolutely delicious. They don’t only make Sauvignon Blanc here either. We ended up buying stunning Rieslings from Framingham and Bladen, Pinot Noirs from Nautilus and Bladen, an amazingly good Chardonnay from Fromm, and a classic Sauvignon Blanc from Serasin.

Most of these places are very small production outfits. Bladen was planted by hand as a hobby and now produces about 10,000 cases a year. Serasin is owned by Kiwi cinematographer Michael Serasin, who shot Midnight Express, Fame, and Prisoner of Azkaban, among other films. His wines were particularly interesting. Fromm and Serasin (which were recommended by our friend John) are bio-dynamic wineries that are not only organic but which plant according to some kind of planetary calendar or some such, and they let the wines ferment with whatever yeast is on the skins. And I think they dance around the vineyard and sing songs or something like that. Whatever they’re doing it’s working.

Vineyards in Marlborough.

Vineyards in Marlborough.

From Marlborough, we pressed on to the South Island’s almost cartoonishly beautiful west coast (the rest of the country is merely live-action beautiful), which is full of silly feats of nature. Over the course of three days we saw the following: 1. Crazy coastal blowholes at a place called Punakaiki that were created when limestone cliff eroded unevenly, forming little chimneys through the rock. When the tide is high and the seas are rough, the water comes screaming into the chimneys and out the top. You half expect to see a guy turning a valve somewhere.

Crazy blowholes at Punakaiki. Almost NFW.

Crazy blowholes at Punakaiki. Almost NSFW.

2. A crystal clear lake formed by glacial runoff on which we kayaked very poorly. Among the many things Janine and I probably should not do together, I now officially add tandem kayaking to the list. I was in the back and thus controlling the rudder, but Janine was displeased by my ruddering so she would adapt her rowing rhythm to better reflect the direction in which she wished to travel, which may or may not have been the direction in which I wished to travel. Needless to say, this made navigation a bit challenging. For this very reason we avoided tango lessons in Argentina like the plague. I shudder to think what would happen if we ever attempted a tandem bicycle, or, heaven forbid, tandem skydiving.

A relatively rare moment of concord on the lake.

A relatively rare moment of concord on the lake.

3. We saw and then hiked on an actual glacier. This also involved my first helicopter ride, which was far too exciting to describe. The helicopter swoops in, you get in, it flies up to the glacier, lands on a piece of ice, and you get out. Then you hike for hours on a glacier. Crazy!

On Franz Josef Glacier.

On Franz Josef Glacier.

Creeping through an ice cave on Franz Joseph Glacier.

Creeping through an ice cave on Franz Joseph Glacier.

I confess that the irony is not lost on me that I would take a helicopter to a glacier, which like most glaciers these days does more retreating than it does advancing. The nice glacier people say they are purchasing carbon offsets to mitigate the problem, but still. Oh, and let’s not forget that we’re flying hither and yon on this great adventure. What about that? Shouldn’t we wear a loin cloth like Gandhi and walk from place to place with all our worldly possessions in a gunny sack? On the other hand, hiking a glacier is an experience that I will never forget. It’s at times like these that I wish I was born a Republican. Oh, what would the Ethicist say??

After carefully sidestepping our moral challenges, we pressed on in the direction of Queenstown, from which we thought we might proceed to either Doubtful or Milford Sounds, which are beautiful but far. Thanks to Yes Day, we hit the brakes at Lake Hawea, where we spent a joyfully unproductive day staring at the lake. The Sounds are looking doubtful, but we don’t mind. We’ll just blame it on Yes Day.

Our idyllic little spot on Lake Hakea.

Our idyllic little spot on Lake Hawea.

Food, Culture, Burlesque, and a Girlfriend Named Itchy – the Joys of Wellington

After spending the morning padding around a perfect black sand beach in the entertainingly named town of Whanganui, we felt that we were missing something.

On the black sand beach at Whanganui

On the black sand beach at Whanganui

The sand was amazingly fine - like powdered sugar, but black.

The sand was amazingly fine – like powdered sugar, but black.

Where are all the sword swallowers, we thought?

Okay, we didn’t think that, but we were ready for a little city life to balance all this fresh air. We were pointed toward Wellington, which people say reminds them of San Francisco. We were hoping for a little culture, maybe a nice meal. Oh, and while we’re at it, maybe we’ll take in a burlesque show.

Okay, that’s not what we were thinking, but how do you pass up the chance to see a Kiwi burlesque show? It turns out that there are countercultural hipstery types wherever you go, and New Zealand is no exception. As anybody who’s been to Brooklyn in the past decade knows, there has been a revival of semi-ironic versions of old burlesque. On the last Saturday night of the month, Wellington puts on its version, which may not put it in the big leagues, but which was worth an evening just for the cultural weirdness of it all.

The evening was hosted by a British woman who called herself Miss Behave, and she got the festivities going by shoving the stem of a fake rose through a hole in her tongue and twisting it about. She followed that by swallowing a sword (although the retired burlesque performer seated next to us said that Miss Behave once swallowed a table leg with the table still attached). Later in the show, she set a man’s head on fire.

She tossed it to a petrified close-up magician, whose hands shook so much he almost dropped his playing cards. After him was a woman folksinger who looked like she got cold feet in the middle of her last haircut – only half her head had been attended to. She proceeded to warble a song of love and loss that was clearly about a former lost love – a girl called Itchy, which sent the mind spinning in deeply unfortunate directions. At least she wasn’t called Stinky. Then came the David Lynch moment when Voluptuous Twinkle took the stage. VT did her best to keep step to Barry Manilow’s Copacabana up to the moment when she revealed what may be among the world’s largest pasties.

Next was the most unfunny standup comic I’ve ever been subjected to, a woman from our own San Francisco. To say that she died onstage would be unfair to the dead.

The hero of the night was a scatological poet. With his beautifully sculpted Smith Brothers beard, suspenders, and touring cap, this guy riffed on New Zealand niceness, men who fancy his girlfriend, and he concluded with the funniest dirty poem I’ve ever heard, whose topic I’ll only reveal in person.

It was funky, weird, and like any funhouse, lots of fun if you don’t expect the comics to be funny, the strippers to be sexy, or the magicians to be magical. Keep up the good work, Kiwis!

Wellington is a fantastic city. For starters, it’s a fine place to park your RV. The city council, in its wisdom, runs an RV park right on the waterfront within easy walking distance to almost everything you want to see. The waterfront is full of restaurants, bars with beanbag chairs, and really terrific museums.

The Wellington waterfront ain't beanbag - wait, yes it is.

The Wellington waterfront ain’t beanbag – wait, yes it is.

The Te Papa Museum is the national museum of New Zealand and has sections on natural history, social history, modern art, among others. And it’s free! So is the Museum of the City of Wellington, which had a fascinating film on the sinking of a ferry between the islands (which we’d be taking the next day!), and a year by year history of the city. The City Gallery museum (also free!) featured a retrospective on the work of Yvonne Todd, New Zealand’s version of Cindy Sherman. We just stumbled in, not knowing what the place was, and were delighted.

On to the food!

Our first stop in Wellington was the Mt. Vic Chippery, the best fish and chips place I’ve ever been to. You have a choice of four or five different fishes, a bunch of frying styles (tempura, beer battered, panko coated and a few others), and a choice of fries. They also have a bunch of dipping sauces. People who have difficulty making decisions should stay far away. As it was, we turned to the tatted fellow manning the fryer who recommended the gurnard (also known as the sea robin), a bottom feeding fish with a skull and wings (seriously) cooked tempura style, and holy christmas if it wasn’t the best damned fish and chips I’ll ever eat. The fry guy told me about the fish’s taste for what he called “apex crustaceans” and pantomimed how it flaps its wings. How can you not love a place like this? We ordered two pieces, which turned out to each be the size of a surfboard, and made quick work of them. If they sold beer it would be one of the world’s great meals.

Breakfast in Wellington is similarly exciting. The food was as good as the service was bad at Duke Carvell’s, but I didn’t care. I had a dish of baked eggs, cherry tomatoes, roast red pepper, black pudding, chorizo and mozzarella, with the fruitiest, hoppiest beer I’ve had since New York and I didn’t care if the server never came back with the bill. The next day we went to the breakfast place next door, Floriditas, which was just as good, except with nice, smiling waitstaff. In two days we had two better breakfasts than we had in eleven years in Palo Alto. Sigh.

We had a smashing three course bistro menu at Logan Brown, which is housed in a converted 1920s bank. There was a perfectly cured salmon appetizer with a horseradish panna cotta, of all things, and a lamb entrée that was good because it was great, but bad because it’s hard to imagine that we’ll have a better one while we’re here. On our last night, we had the Sunday Roast dinner at the Boulcott Street Bistro. It was a perfect porchetta-like roast pork, with a crackling, sticky pork skin and a fatty, juicy inside. Bring on the Lipitor.

Porky, fatty, crispy, yummy.

Porky, fatty, crispy, yummy.

The short of it is that they can cook here, and how.

Oh, and the glorious thing about English-speaking countries is that they show English-speaking movies! We stumbled into the Embassy Theater, a 20’s movie palace that has two cocktail bars and will bring a cheese plate to your seat. Why, oh, why does one have to travel to New Zealand to get a decent moviegoing experience? Oh, we saw Birdman and The Imitation Game. Liked ‘em both.

There’s Wellington for you – funky, weird, yummy. They know how to show a movie, how to make breakfast, and how to fry fish. They’re still working on the burlesque, though.